For what it’s worth, I haven’t forgotten about my microscopic slice of the world wide web.
When I began writing and sharing my life here several years ago, it stemmed from a desperate, gnawing need for space and a place to express, individuate, and claim my humanity while working in the fashion industry.
So much of what I’ve shared here arose from a place of should.
Should, in all its plurality, has guided the complexities and nuances of decision-making for most of my life. As a woman, especially, I know that I’m not alone in this.
There is safety in should. Conformity rewards its loyalists with the perception of comfort and shields from the isolation of shame. As humans, we’re wired for acceptance and belonging, therefore it makes sense to seek what’s biologically rewarding, what’s safe.
For the past three years, I’ve both voluntarily and inevitably unraveled, unlearned, and deconditioned countless thought patterns and systems of belief to land upon the un-profound simplicity of this:
I have given the shoulds and expectations of others far more precedence over my intuition and desires and I am fucking finished.
I leaned heavily on this space as a place to share recipes and my passion for living a healthy life. It makes sense that food was the centric element of my content because for so long I was starving for connection and to be seen and accepted seperate from my work. Some of the most profound, life-altering conversations I’ve had have taken place around a dining table. Food is a gateway to human connection. Connection is a gateway to acceptance.
Food still plays a bicentric role in how I tap into my creativity and express love. I’ve just discovered additional facets of my being that I feel equally passionate about and compelled to explore.
It is a destabilizing process to let go of the fictitious grip of certainty and freefall into who you truly are. It takes courage.
It is, however, your only shot at living a full and embodied life. And it’s not a process as much as it is a practice – because you never land once you make the proverbial decision to let go – you simply get used to making the choice over and over again.
What remains when you release your grip is your essence, the roots that continually ground and anchor you despite the ever-changing elements and external stimuli.
To get to my roots I needed silence, far more listening than talking, far more observing than reacting and responding, equal parts giving and receiving, more being, and a lot of therapy. Each of those, a privledge in their own right.
I find myself here now, in a vastly different space mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually from where I started. Much of the content I’ve shared over the years doesn’t resonate with me any longer and I’m okay with that.
Living through a pandemic, a tumultuous political environment, witnessing the vast and unacceptable inequalities plaguing humanity, losing loved ones, losing friends, navigating a personal health crisis, witnessing the disconnect and disregard for fellow human beings; it has changed me.
To the core.
As painful as transformation is, I’m choosing to dive into the uncertainty and share my experience through words. I have no intention or plan other than to show up as transparently and fully as I can, when I choose to do so.
Please know that imperfection, uncertainty, questions, and mistakes are welcome here. It’s only those qualities I have to offer you.
Thank you for being here.